TOM'S TRANSFORMATION

My male friends who read Janet’s memoir had many interesting observations and questions, although some said nothing. One stated, “I felt like a voyeur.” A few of my buddies told me they thought they knew me but learned so much more about me. A colleague suggested I write my memoir and share my experiences. That won’t happen; it’s too complicated, takes too long, and is expensive. Another asked, “I get what Janet got from the trip, but what did you get?” Great question! That got me thinking. Before our journeys, I was a geologist in the frenzied, competitive, hyper-focused, all-consuming business environment of the Calgary downtown oil and gas industry. While I enjoyed my hydrocarbon industry career, I had clearly lost my perspective and become consumed by the business world’s excitement, intrigue, challenges, and reward. When I resigned from my professional career, I was 55—the perfect time for a mid-life crisis—and we set off on our first African trip. I was 62 when we completed our Alaska to Argentina trip.

Our journeys were transformative. They took me out of my comfort zone. They forced me to reevaluate my reality of the world, myself and my relationship with Janet. I learned and experienced so much that my worldview and place in the world were completely revised. Janet and I witnessed extreme poverty and wealth, the devastating effects of colonial oppression, scarred landscapes, and wildlife destruction. We experienced kindness, generosity, acceptance, and resilience from strangers. Sat quietly at waterholes, watching wildlife and listening to the birds singing. I’m still processing everything we encountered. There is too much inequality in the world. Our natural world wonders are in desperate trouble, even in crisis. How I now process world events and news has changed, and my life’s journey has changed significantly. One night, while crossing the Sahara Desert, I stood beneath the billions of stars and planets circling above. Among the endless miles of sand dunes, I realized I had sold my soul to the corporate world. I had to find my actual values, loves and simple pleasures. This quiet time and reflection were a crucial part of my healing journey.

Geology; My interest since I was 14 years old

The journeys profoundly impacted me, so I now divide my life into before-the-trips (BTT) and after-the-trips (ATT). My perspectives on most of life’s issues changed me so profoundly that my life is more complex now but far richer.

Hot springs (Bolivia) and coloured sedimentary rocks (Argentina)

Janet describes her book as a ‘memoir of a woman’s transformation from brokenness to wholeness and a couple’s transformation from breakdown to breakthrough.’

I also underwent a transformation, both personally and in our relationship. The therapist we had before our trips helped me identify what aspects of myself and my relationship with Janet I needed to work on. It was not easy to undo 55 years of(unconscious) behaviours. The intensity of our travel required that we become an effective, highly functioning team if we wanted to reach our destinations safely. There was no room for pettiness, grandstanding, whining, sulking, etc. Focus, focus, focus was our mantra. Slowly, my self-centeredness needed to be corrected, and my approach changed over time. This gave Janet the ‘space’ she needed to go through her own transformation. Africa taught us to love and respect each other as true equals and to have healthy relationships with each other.

So, the irony is that now that I am finally ‘woke’ after 50 years of pursuing ‘masculinity,’ the world appears to think that wokeness is terrible. Well, I say F…k them. I like the way I am now. It is a gentler, more inclusive way to move in the world.

Thank you, Janet, for bringing your courage, insight and wisdom to our life journey and helping me become a better partner and man. And thank you, Africa, for being my teacher. I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me.

I encourage you to take time for introspection and self-discovery in your own life.